The Four

They say every woman has a secret that she only keeps for herself.

One thing she’s never breathed a word about. Not to her mom. Not to her significant other. Not even in confidence to her very best girlfriend.

That secret is supposed to create some sort of “mystery”, but that’s not always the case.

◾️ Sometimes it just carries pain ◾️

Sometimes that secret carries the weight of the world. And sometimes it needs to be set free to lighten her entire world. To heal her inner child. To move forward.

FOUR is my number.

The number of times that I was uncomfortable.
The number of times that I was silent.
The number of times that I was molested before the age of 12.

Never raped. But forced to do things that I didn’t understand, even though I knew they felt wrong. Scared to tell the truth. Afraid I was to blame.

The first time, I was the age that my daughter is now; something that terrifies me daily as I send my kids out into the world. And I say kids, because it doesn’t only happen to females and that’s something that we don’t talk about enough.

Over the years I have built up so many defenses.

>>I’m introverted.
>>I don’t trust easily.
>>I keep my heart tightly guarded.
>>I’ve altered my physical appearances, mostly through self sabotaging my health and encouraging weight gain.

All as a way to hide myself.
All as a form is protection.
All as a way to go unseen.

I’m learning that the more I hold onto these protective habits, the longer I allow this to control my present and my future.

I’ve held this story for so long out of fear of hurting those closest to me. I’ve tried time and time again to tell it, and my worry for how others will feel holds me back. And yes, I know that this will hurt many of you reading this. Just know there was nothing more you could have done. Nothing you could have asked that would have made me admit it. Nothing you couldn’t have done to protect me.
You’re not at fault.

◾️And I’m learning that I’m not either◾️

I’ve been told that sometimes, you have to let the world crack you so the light can get in. So this is me; cracking wide open. This is me making space to heal, making space to rise, and making room for the light that I know will expel this darkness inside.

I will not allow this to control the life ahead of me. It’s time for fresh starts, clean slates, and new beginnings. It’s time for embracing my stories and being open about them, so that I can inspire others to live their best life, free of fear and pain and brokenness.

It’s time to breathe and let go.

 

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